No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she pinky promised me she was 18
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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