i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
