Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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