at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
