Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When are your genitals available?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
