allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
