i was born a porn star she said
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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