feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
