when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
