my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
