If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
