I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
