my room smells like sperm. sweet.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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