party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
