His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
