i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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