Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
