I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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