yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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