My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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