Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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