I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
