You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
