Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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