Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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