dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
