he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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