I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
