She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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