Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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