Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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