how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
