I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
