Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I have fence marks all over my body
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
