I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
