Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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