I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have tasted many bathrooms
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
