I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
