Im at strip club and am horny
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
