I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
