There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
