in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
