you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
