The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We had sex on a dog bed..
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
