surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Bring me that man meat
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
