College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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