Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
