I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
