I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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