So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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