Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
