If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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