I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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