I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
