the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
