: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
