Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
