i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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