Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
