if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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