when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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