I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I am midnight drunk by noon
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize