I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
