Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
