Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
