I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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